Occationally I have the cursed misfortune rare opportunity to provide transportation for a member of the dumber fairer sex: a girl, woman, female, bird, chick, call her what you like..

In these misbegotten voyages, I’ve discovered that many local ladies don’t quite have a grasp as to what is kosher or not, when it comes to in-car behavior.

So, in my attempt to educate, here goes: My 8 simple rules..

  1. Advance notification: If you wish to ride in my vehicle, please inform me at least an hour in advance. Don’t just call me 15 minutes in advance and expect me to re-arrange my life to suit you. Believe it or not I have a life. True its not cool and exciting like yours but, nevertheless, it is a life.
  2. Wipe your shoes: before you enter. I don’t care whether you wear manolo blahnik or Bata, just wipe them please.
  3. No shouting: - If you suddenly remember something interesting like a joke or story, don’t suddenly scream “Oh Hey Men Did You hear the one about [blah]”. If you notice me cranking up the volume on my Blaupunkt, its not because I found a song I like. Its because I’m trying to drown out your infernal yacking sweet melodious banter..
  4. No sudden stops: - if you see a little dog, or kitten, or a shoe sale, don’t suddenly scream at me to “STOP“. Only say “stop” for an emergency. [No, a shoe sale is not an emergency].
  5. No Dhangalanawa: (this is a quaint Sinhalese word which means wriggling around). dont fidget, wriggle, or otherwise wobble, unless we are making out.
  6. No distracting me: (Unless we are making out), please do NOT distract me. This is extremely important if you wish to reach your destination alive.
  7. Wear a seatbelt: (Yes, I know, when your pappa takes you for a ride you out in his classic Morris Oxford, you don’t wear seatbelts, but this is a modern car, and if there is an accident, having a seatbelt will increase your chances of surviving and not flying out the windscreen. Helping your parents identify you via your dental records is NOT my idea of a fun Sunday).
  8. Dont open the windows: This is an air conditioned car. You don’t need to open the windows unless you want a whiff of colombo dust, bus exhaust, or worse, things bus drivers spit out. Similarly, don’t mess with the stereo. 

Last but not least, when I do risk life and limb and finally deliver you to your destination, it wouldn’t kill you to say “Thanks” :)..

Yes, ladies, you don’t have to say it. I know, I am a sanctimonious persnickety bastard..

[Ed:- though I originally aimed this post at girls (because they are guilty of the worst car faux pas - however guys can be as bad. Particularly when it comes to not wiping their feet and messing with the stereo!

Ed:- In car etiquette has actually been covered at various sources, from a dating perspective, as well as how to inform your partner that s/he isn’t a great driver]