sum.na

I don’t normally post this kind of stuff on my site. OK I do, but lets pretend I don’t. Anyway, in my defense, this scene comes from a somewhat legit movie, and it may be the craziest sex scene ever shown on a movie. Also, it’s funny

More on the movie:

“Chev has been injected with a mysterious poison known as the “Beijing Cocktail” and he has only an hour to live. Chev soon realizes that the poison can only be slowed by his own adrenaline.”

That explains a lot.

From: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Crank_(film)

As of right now, most of the Star TV channels are working on Dialog TV - These channels include Star World, Star Vijay, Star Movies and Star Plus.

If you don’t get the channels yet, just re-scan and you will pick them up.

This is wonderful news for DTV subscribers as they will be able to watch some of the latest US TV shows on Star World, and bad news for Comet Cable (the company), as the Star package was the one thing they had that DTV didn’t

In other news, Comet promises an ‘exciting’ new digital system with 60+ channels. This will be nice, if Comet pays their bills and customers can actually watch all these channels (Comet has a habit of ‘renegotiating’ their channels with their providers once a year which usually means popular channels vanish, for weeks or months, with no warning or refund for customers who pay for them).

Borella, Sri Lanka (Jamaica Free Press): A Sri Lankan Tri-shaw driver denied being turned on by copulating dogs, and spoke out against rumors of his secret bestiality fetish. In this exclusive interview with our Colombo correspondent, Mr. W. T. F. Somapala, who spoke through 2 interpreters, and asked not to be identified, agreed to answer our questions, on the condition of anonymity.

JFP: Mr. Somapala. As you may know, a photograph of you appeared on Jamaican TV (under the odds and sods section) late last night, showing you seated in your trishaw, vigorously masturbating, while staring at a pair of copulating dogs in the foreground. The Jamaican peoples are convinced that you are into bestiality. How do you respond?

Mr. Somapala: Let’s first clarifying a few things. For the one, I am driving tuk tuk, not trishaw. Regarding photograph, it did not clearly showing that hot female passenger who had stepped into my tuk tuk - I was making happy in my pants, for her sake only, it had nothing to do with the two dogs in front of me. If you look closely the photo you will seeing that my eyes looking at the back viewing mirror, not at dogs in front of my tuk tuk.

JFP: Mr. Somapala - is it natural for taxi drivers to masturbate to female passengers in Sri Lanka?

Mr. Somapala: Of course! As you are being aware, a recent study in the New England Journal of Medicine concluded that this is both natural, and also good for your health.

JFP: I’m not questioning whether masturbation is natural. I’m asking you whether it is normal or right to masturbate when a female passenger steps into your cab?

Mr. Somapala: It depends on whether she is hot or not. I like big butts, and I can not lie, other tuktuk drivers can deny, I also have prefering for fair ladies myself and I am liking to pleasure myself to them only, not to ugly chicks. I only do it for a short while till I am ’satis’ then I am stopping, so what the harm?

These days, too many tuk tuk drivers aren’t able to practice their love with women all across this country. Besides, if we are not making happy when she get into tuktuk, then she is offend, she say “What I am not hot enough for you?” Besides our Colombo girls always dressing so sexy no? So of course they are wanting it, otherwise they not dressing like that no?

JFP: Doesn’t this cause a traffic hazard? Isn’t it illegal?

Mr Somapala: Well one time one of the my friend tuktuk driver was hit by oncoming bus while driving and doing it. Since then our committee meet and we passing a new by-law that say “no make happy in the pant when driving over 50km/h”.

On about the legal, our country penal code is not clearly stating anything about making happy time while driving. Of course penal code saying it is illegal to using cellphone without handsfree unit while driving so I am always careful to use a the bluetooths or a the handsfree.

JFP: So masturbation is common among taxi drivers where you are?

Mr. Somapala: To driving with left hand and make happy with right hand also at same time takes lot of skill, so only a few of our members are capable of joining the Diesel High Club. For the young ones we always advice park on side of lonely road first and do, till you are confident enough.

JFP: Riiiight.. moving along - your wife says you love watching Animal Planet, and you always insist on using the back door. How do you respond?

Mr. Somapala: Firstly, Animal Planet very educationally no? Learning hummingbird mating patterns and the donkey sex tricks has helped me to driving better in Colombo. My son is also very favorite of Animal planet and in my younghood I learned a lot from watching all the animals.

And as for using the back door, of course I are have to using back door, what my wife forgot tell you is that front door is broken/out of service so I are having no choice but use back door.

Kollupitiya, Colombo (Japan Weekly): Employees at a local Sri Lankan NGO have launched a campaign to remove one of their co-workers, due to his extreme verbosity.

Our reporters met with staff at the local NGO, the Coalition for Regional Advancement Proposals (CRAP), who had the following to say:

“We are sick of this man. Every thing he says becomes a 10 paragraph lecture consisting of Shakespearean English. Now when you and I are going to toilet we say I go toilet now KTHXBYE

- this man he say ‘Please excuse me as I wish to avail myself of this opportunity to peruse the lavatorial services as I find myself encumbered with excessive waste and I wish to go ad astra per alia porci.‘

What sort of madness is this I ask you?? If he wanting go potty why cannot he be asking I want to go potty, instead of all that ‘ad astra per alia porci‘ mumbo jumbo, like normal persons, no?

- M, Lavatorial Technician

“Aney, you should see his company emails! Everything is a bloody headache to read - I am having to pick up a copy of ‘Revised Oxford English and Latin For Colonials’ dictionary, just to understand half the stuff he writes us. All his writings are peppered with big words like ‘parochial’, ‘Inextricably entwined’ and ‘fraternal triumvirate’ - come now who the hell uses such words no??

I don’t minding if he uses this languages in his research papers but when he runs out of toilet paper he sends us bloody strange messages like ‘It behooves you to supply me with more wood fiber based papyrus derivate, for I have exhausted all resources and am now unable to textually communicate via print’ - couldn’t the fellow just say ‘NEED TOILET PAPER??’ - we all know he’s good at English, but does he have to lord it over us so much?”

- S, Unit Head

“Well I am not too sure what all the fuss is about as I have never personally communicated with him, except for the one time someone stole his (mouse) balls: but we do have one problem - he is costing us an extra gigabyte or two in Internet bandwidth due to his excessive verbosity - we have had to get Telecom to install a special FIOS line to carry Dr. Sanjay’s written traffic alone.”

- J, IT Dept.

“The worst thing is when he gets a new gadget - like a phone. He goes around and shows it to us as if we have not seen a cell phone before - We are also having cell phones too you know?”

- M, Legal Dept

“Look, we are not asking for much - just that the fellow start to speaking an English we understand! is that being much too much to ask?”

- R, Accounting

Surprisingly, the Executive Head of CRAP, was quite pleased with the performance and writings of Dr. Sanjay. He had the following to say:

“Well I feel that Sanjay’s ebullient spirit and humble unassuming personality brings a spark of brightness to our otherwise dull day to day life, and I always look forward to engaging in witty banter with him.

Apropos your inquiry into the excessive verbosity of Dr Sanjay: I feel that the issue on hand is that that some of my employees are intimidated by his grammatically and syntactically accurate use of Our Beloved Queen’s Language, and his punctilious attention to detail, to those employees, I say absit invidia - they are clearly aware that I cannot chastise the man for his genius.

I am of the opinion that Dr. Sanjay’s profound mastery of 18th century English and Latin, should not be a reason for less verbally endowed employees to feel intimidated. I do not believe that an actus reus occured here: I feel that this matter can be handled internally, by enrolling our less grammatically capable employees in English classes, and there is no need to involve the media at this critical juncture.

While I thank you for bringing this issue to my attention, I also wish to point out that acerbic and scurrilous rumors like this have no place in our esteemed organization and I am confident that we can arrive at a mutually acceptable resolution to this situation.

On the whole, I am of the opinion that Dr. Sanjay’s excessive verbosity is just a harmless case of cacoethes scribendi.

Speaking of Dr. Sanjay, if you see him, can you ask him about this months newsletter? I have yet to receive my copy..”

On queried about the relevance of using 18th century English for communication in a modern organization, he had the following to say:

Acolytes such as Dr Sanjay and myself, need a way to communicate, which would enable us to stay abreast of each others developments, and it is imperative that our private epistles should be impossible to decipher, if intercepted by an unauthorized third party.

We initially considered cryptography, but this necessitated the purchase of an Enigma machine apiece, a venture which was vetoed by Accounting, due to budgetary constraints.

Instead, we decided to communicate using 18th century English (and Latin) - by using this extinct variant of ancient Shakespearean English, we are confident that, even if someone intercepts our personal messages, it would all just be Greek (or Latin) to them.