sum.na

Party on dude, from Flickr

Muttawa reports that someone has tipped him off (mistaking him for the Saudi Religeous police I guess?) about a Sri Lankan who’s been selling booze to the locals…

The basic meaning of this is that there is a certain Sri Lankan gentleman selling “sadiqi” (or “sid”, an almost pure alcohol bootleg distillate) in Jubail camp (a rudimentary set of residential huts for Third World laborers in Jubail on the east coast) and that men are drinking on Friday (our holy day, but also the only day these guys will get off work) and drinking too much.

Well, Um, So theres our contribution to the world. Homebrew Booze.

Cool. No wonder why Sri Lankan’s are loved worldwide

In other news, I’m looking for a tagline that goes “As Sri Lankan as…” (You know, like “As American as Apple Pie”)

Any ideas?

Are you looking for our page on Katharine McPhee? If so click here please!

Unbuttoned by withdrawal, from Flickr
From the “I swear I aint making this up” dept..

And.. just when I thought my search logs couldn’t get any weirder.. Here’s the latest..

1. (From India): Cockroaches inside the underwear for pleasure (SIC)- I’m honestly not sure where to even begin here. I’m sorry, for the first time in a long time, I simply don’t know how to answer this question. So.. over to the blogosphere. Can anyone help me? maybe some of my esteemed colleagues can shed light on this issue.
2. Lisa Tucker Undies - Lisa Tucker is the sweet 16 year old on American Idol. Before you start exploring her underwear (I hope this question isnt from the person above) I will point out that she’s 16.
3. Womans rights pictures - I’m sure they are fascinating. Try Flickr?
4. Men have intercourse with cats - OK. I’ll be the first to admit that some men are odd. But.. intercourse with cats? Thats just not natural. If it’s any consolation to you, a sudanese man was forced to marry a goat
5. Hottest Idol American - well considering the unnatural curiosity some have about Lisa Tuckers underwear.. hmm… I’d say she’s a good candidate. She and Katharine McPhee
6. Girls don’t wear no underwear - they don’t? Not even a thong? That IS worrying.
7. Welcome to India where the cows eat Hey - crazy as it may sound, thats actually lyrics from a song…
8. Girlfriend in Sinhala - I take it you are asking how to say girlfriend in sinhala. Honest answer.. I don’t know. Can someone here help me with this?
9. Can scanner scan things like bags and chicks - I’m not sure if you would be able to fit Scarlett Johanssen in a modern flat bed scanner.. but I’m willing to try.. Scarlett… call me?
10. How people make bricks in Sri Lanka - We used to have this highly ritualistic procedure involving semi naked men and singing, but now there are brick making machines…
11. American influence in Sri Lanka - it’s everywhere. KFC, Idol, Apprentice, House MD.. yup.. good old America is having a profound effect on our civilization…
12. What happens when you don’t wear a seatbelt bad bad things happen. Trust me. Wear the seatbelt. It’s the law. At least, it should be.
13. Sri Lankan girl names - heres a good link.
14. Sri Lanka national costume - its white, and folks at parliament wear it. Enough said.
15. How do you say lady in Hindi?.. not sure I think it is Ladki
16. Women punish testicles india… They do.. uh oh. remind me not to mess with Indian chicks!
17. Call girls in Sri Lanka. Sure. lots of companies here have call centers. I hear outsourcing is the next big thing

That’s all folks! (For now at least… )

So, here are the best questions from my search logs, together with my feeble attempts to answer them Feb:

1. I’m doing research on SMS Lingo: Well.. Local sms’s are full of annoying acronyms like U, Wot, Ur, and so on. See sms lingo list and transl8it
2. I hate virgins: See the january faq on Virgins and other odd things…
3. Rural trivia india: Try this site on India Trivia, also Yahoo has a category for Indian trivia
4. I want Lanka Pussy Photo:
   Ok, here goes:
   
   An excellent photo by imagebang
5. Ways to wear a sari: well, Oprah wore one over her jeans
6. I want secret relationship with Sri Lankan Ladies: Tell me, why secret? wouldn’t it be much more fun to have a messy very public so that the gossip tabloids can run feature length interviews with your victim significant other afterwards?
7. Draught cattle Sri Lanka: As far as I know, nobody here (even when bored) has  attempted to play draughts checkers using cows. However some of our kings of yore, were pretty odd, so you never know…
8. Effects of reality television: In a word, bad. Here are some photos of innocent people who were victims of reality TV:
   
   And there I was, happily strolling along until suddenly, I’m on Tickle Cam. OMG. I’m scarred for life.
   
   Ohh.. the horrow. from that famous reality TV show Honey I shrunk your breasts
   
   This innocent girl was victim of that long running TV reality show “When Good Dentists Go Bad”.
9. Holy cows of India:
   
   Now Just a minute! I’l have you know all cows are holy! Not just Indian cows.
10. Poking sleeping cows: I guess this goes in the same category as tipping cows. Say, what is it with you people? Where do you guys come up with these weird searches?
    
    Go ahead, make my day.
11. english sex mined ladies: Do you mean an English lady with sex on the mind? Hmm let’s see:
    
    Young man, I’ll have none of that nonsense in my empire. Now can we have some tea and scones?
    
    And this is victoria beckham. I’m not sure if she’s a sex minded english lady, but she has a nice ass used to be a great singer

More cool stuff coming up soon… in part 2 of the FAQ!

Flickr photo, by Bob Duck
[Disclaimer: the following is a rant: it wasn’t thought through or spellchecked.]

People like to call us web designers or even web masters: This would somehow imply that we are on top of the process/situation. Aside from the BSDM connotations, the term web master is simply inaccurate. 

So I am a corporate web slave. I help people achieve their online dreams, at the expense of peace of mind and some human dignity, which is lost in the day to day process of web design.

Thankfully, some things (like wordpress) make the process more bearable. Sadly, none of my clients ever ask for simple static web sites. They take one look at wordpress, go “Bleah”, and say “OK now give me the dancing hamsters..”

Anyway, here are some random things I always wish I could tell my clients web masters (the people who pay me, those who make the decisions, call the shots, and are responsible for the sucky web sites I unwillingly help create)

Rant: To those who hire me
Or: an open letter to my clients, especially Sri Lankans
(Things I’d love to tell you but don’t, because you won’t listen/believe me)

1. Flash: is a nono. True, it looks cool, but not everyone has the plugins. Having your company logo dancing around may look cool to you because you are a clueless n00b, but most people find that annoying. (exception. a little tasteful flash in a separate section may be tolerable)
2. I can’t guarantee to make your site number one on Google. I don’t think anyone can. True I can help you streamline your website, and improve its visibility to search engines (thereby improving its rankings) but, number one.. that might be pushing it. Its unethical for you to ask me that, and its unethical for me to promise that. And please don’t ask me to do unethical things to promote your site. If google blacklists (PR0’s) you, you are doomed. Remember. Google is God. (all hail Google)
3. Reciprocal linking, isn’t all its cut out to be. A few appropriate links, if voluntary, from other similar good sites are OK, but don’t expect miracles. Say, client, do you even know what this term means? I’m not being rude, I’m just saying, don’t talk about it to me, or ask me to do it unless you have at least a clue. If you ask me nicely I’d be happy to tell you. Or ask Google!
4. People visit your website to find information, directions, pricing, and hopefully contact you. They don’t want a lame glorified advertiesment. Or flash doodles. Or javascript clocks. They may thrill your six year old daughter. (Which is OK if she is your target market, I guess).
5. You pay me to make you a website: All the other things I do to help you succeed in your web venture are out of the goodness of my heart. When you tell me to do patently stupid and counter-intuitive things, I will automatically stop advising you. Or bite my tongue every time I get a bright idea. Summary: Give me the money and let me do my job. You stick to your job of being CEO or whatever, and I’ll stick to mine..
6. I actually have a clue (sometimes): your marketing whizz may tell you that a black, white, and neon site is all the rage, and your design guru may be all aflutter about a java widget, but this will piss off most normal people. And you want most normal people to like your site, unless you cater to a highly specialized niche market. Or idiots.
7. If you have a grand vision, thats ok.. but try to be practical please. Me devoting 50% of my time to making your dancing logo wont help your business in the long run. If I were you i’d concentrate on the message I’m trying to get out, as well as promotion.
8. Don’t force me to do stupid things/make sites that suck: If you insist on a feature that is clearly stupid, I will politely advice you against that course of action. I’m exceeding tactful and my sentence will usually go “Some might consider this feature..” If I say that, just go with the flow, and humor me. It’s good for you. Of course if you insist, I have no choice.. When people see crappy web sites in Sri Lanka they tend to blame the designer. Sometimes the real fault lies in the client..
9. You don’t need a web site: you need an web presence solution: Clients don’t get this. They think that a simple web site solves everything. What I wish they would understand is - a web site is merely part of the whole solution - and that’s what they should really be aiming for.
10. (Please) try not to waste my time: I may not drive a late model Japanese SUV or play golf like you do, but believe it or not, I have a life, and my time is precious to me also. When you are first going to meet me, prep your staff up, gather all the material you need, and then arrange a meeting. If you have something to send me afterwards, just email it to me. If you want to send me material, try a courier service. Lastly, do you really need to meet me? Must I face the roads just to meet you? Does it matter how I look? Can’t you just accept I that exist, arrange a video conference, and mail a check Cheque?

Why I don’t make a lot of money in web design

1. I’m not good at BS. When a client looks at me with a worried expression and asks me about whether his web adaviya can have a Picture of His Office, I usually say sure, no probs (as opposed to most local web designers who say “Yes of course it will cost you $500 as we have to carefully scan your picture using a HP Elbonian scanner with a giga pentabyte micromodule installed, which we must personally import from sweeden)
2. I don’t charge $500 for a simple wordpress site: Even if you are crazily rich, I’d rather you did something worthwhile with your money, like paying your employees. Like the security guard. When is the last time you gave him a raise? 1983?
3. I throw in most features/things/widgets for free: I usually charge a flat fee for the web site, after initial design. And I don’t increase this for rich clients, though I usually reduce this for poorer clients/startups.
4. Banana Problem/featuritis: Client starts out with a simple concept. Then halfway through the design, s/he changes something. Then he spots something on TV, and wants that. Next his/her drinking buddy tells him that some feature is all the rage. Now s/he wants that also. Sigh.
5. I charge clients pathetic low honest amounts:
   I don’t really like to charge silly amounts. True most of my clients have competing quotes which merely have three to four more zeros than mine, but hey..
6. I don’t usually charge by the hour: That simply doesnt work - also it makes work rushed. I’d rather charge by the job. Usually this means I end up spending a lot more time than I should.. but what the hell. I sleep better knowing I did a good job. That matters to me, believe it or not.
7. I don’t take advantage of my clients: So they take advantage of me.
8. I’m basically decent: I can’t keep a straight face and demand a ton of money for a simple job, even if the client thinks its a huge job.
9. People just don’t get the whole web thing in Sri Lanka.

And since I’m on the topic of ranting..

Rant: Local web designers
Rant: They all suck. At least the ones I’ve met. I remember these two guys.. One guy kept muttering “That command is depreciated” The other had an unnatural interest in self produced gas.. Not the kind of people I’d entrust my web presence to.

…And I hate the way they like to screw the customer.. True, most of the times, the customer is either stupid, or rich, or both… but nevertheless…

Sigh. something tells me that this is not the job for me.

Oh, and if you want me to recommend a good local web designer, I’m sorry, I’m yet to meet one.  

However, when it comes to bearable, vesess.com probably qualifies  - except for the freaky group culture thing (Vesessins? wth?!)

Oh, and I hear Indi does web sites too.

Lastly, if you are feeling somewhat lucky, I’m usually available..

[Edit: Vesess.com - have done some cool web sites. I particularly admire the fact that their web sites are all standard compliant. end edit]

Glossary (For those too lazy to Google for answers):

1. PR0 - Page rank zero - when your website is removed from Google (those familiar with secular faiths can look up the concept of death or eternal damnation here).
2. SEO - Search engine optimization - officially, the process of making a site nicer for search engines, unofficially using any trick you can to make a site more famous, (see keyword stuffing and doorway pages
3. Client - the person calling the shots, the real web master (See: Idiot, PITA, n00b, helpless clueless nokia wielding sacrificial cow)
4. Widgets: Annoying features client requests which do nothing useful
5. Flash: Interactive thingamajig software. Great for erotica and occational car sites..
6. Web Adaviya: Sinhalese term for web site.

Occationally I have the cursed misfortune rare opportunity to provide transportation for a member of the dumber fairer sex: a girl, woman, female, bird, chick, call her what you like..

In these misbegotten voyages, I’ve discovered that many local ladies don’t quite have a grasp as to what is kosher or not, when it comes to in-car behavior.

So, in my attempt to educate, here goes: My 8 simple rules..

1. Advance notification: If you wish to ride in my vehicle, please inform me at least an hour in advance. Don’t just call me 15 minutes in advance and expect me to re-arrange my life to suit you. Believe it or not I have a life. True its not cool and exciting like yours but, nevertheless, it is a life.
2. Wipe your shoes: before you enter. I don’t care whether you wear manolo blahnik or Bata, just wipe them please.
3. No shouting: - If you suddenly remember something interesting like a joke or story, don’t suddenly scream “Oh Hey Men Did You hear the one about [blah]”. If you notice me cranking up the volume on my Blaupunkt, its not because I found a song I like. Its because I’m trying to drown out your infernal yacking sweet melodious banter..
4. No sudden stops: - if you see a little dog, or kitten, or a shoe sale, don’t suddenly scream at me to “STOP“. Only say “stop” for an emergency. [No, a shoe sale is not an emergency].
5. No Dhangalanawa: (this is a quaint Sinhalese word which means wriggling around). dont fidget, wriggle, or otherwise wobble, unless we are making out.
6. No distracting me: (Unless we are making out), please do NOT distract me. This is extremely important if you wish to reach your destination alive.
7. Wear a seatbelt: (Yes, I know, when your pappa takes you for a ride you out in his classic Morris Oxford, you don’t wear seatbelts, but this is a modern car, and if there is an accident, having a seatbelt will increase your chances of surviving and not flying out the windscreen. Helping your parents identify you via your dental records is NOT my idea of a fun Sunday).
8. Dont open the windows: This is an air conditioned car. You don’t need to open the windows unless you want a whiff of colombo dust, bus exhaust, or worse, things bus drivers spit out. Similarly, don’t mess with the stereo. 

Last but not least, when I do risk life and limb and finally deliver you to your destination, it wouldn’t kill you to say “Thanks” :)..

Yes, ladies, you don’t have to say it. I know, I am a sanctimonious persnickety bastard..

[Ed:- though I originally aimed this post at girls (because they are guilty of the worst car faux pas - however guys can be as bad. Particularly when it comes to not wiping their feet and messing with the stereo!

Ed:- In car etiquette has actually been covered at various sources, from a dating perspective, as well as how to inform your partner that s/he isn’t a great driver] 

Google: Portal? Us? Never
Its official. Sort of. Google now have a portal (iGoogle?). See it here. Funny I can remember them saying they would stay true to their search roots and never join the dark side and become a portal…. Hey, how many of you who can remember using google when they were still google.stanford.edu
 
Milk Gone Wild
PETA have made a new ad for the Superbowl, which was rejected. You can see it here (warning, extremely disturbing, and not the way you think).

Actually, you should watch this ad if you like milk. You might learn something.

Brain size vs…
Scientists at Syracuse University, recently describing for a British journal their study of body measurements of bats, found an inverse size relationship between a male bat’s brain and testicles. The researchers hypothesized that both sperm and brains are metabolically costly to produce, and in species with relatively stable monogamous relationships, brains are allowed to grow, but where females are promiscuous, males that do not overdevelop testicles get left out of the race to procreate. [News Limited (Sydney) (News.com.au)

Ladies, please. I think I know what you are going to say.

Yes, I know a cryptic question, its just that this IP shows up on my logs.

It resolves to Google Inc, which is nice.

However, a search on Google shows someone using this IP was vandalising making odd edits on Wiki, as well as some disturbing posts online:

Google doesnt employ any 20 year old’s who like getting beaten up by girls. At least I hope they don’t.

Most likely this is someone else who accessed this site site via google translate or perhaps Google wireless access?, thereby getting a Google IP?  I am sure theres a perfectly logical (and boring) explanation, but till then..

The Truth is Out There..

PS: heres a nice article on Google

Hello Everyone.

As part of my community outreach service, I’ve decided to answer all the questions in my search logs, as best as I can. So here goes:

Q. (From Canada) Do guys hate sleeping with virgins?.
Well, actually, in India and Sri Lanka, I have heard that some men prefer their brides to be virgins when they get married.. So much so that they insist on proof or something. But this is an old outmoded view, most modern dudes prefer that the girl be adept in the art of the Kamasutra and able to do the Leapfrog or Cowgirl.

Q. Where can I find Sri Lankan Girls?
OK, thats an excellent question. Due to the ethnic conflict pathetic economy, the Sri lankan diaspora, is now.. a diaspora. In other words, Sri Lankans have immigrated far and wide, and you are likely to find them just about anywhere on earth, except here.

If you really need to find a girl from Sri Lanka, perhaps the easiest option would be to, er., come to Sri Lanka, as this country is full of them.

Q. Where can I find Sri Lankan BoyZ?
See above. Replace ‘girls’ with ‘boys’.. or.. er.. BoyZ

Q. I wan’t a Sri Lankan Girlfriend/Girls for a lonely guy in Sri Lanka
A. Get a ticket to Sri Lanka, brush up on your conversational skills bring a lot of money, and start hunting. Lots of girls will like you. Especially if you have a nice personality money.

To Lonely Guy in Sri Lanka. Well you could hang around at MC and hurl compliments at random passerbys and hope one of them falls deeply in love with you. Kidding.

Q. I wan’t Lanka Sari Live Movie
A. Is there such a movie? I’ve never heard of it, sad to say

Q. Tell me about crimes and punishment in Sri Lanka
A. We have a judicial system.. Based on ancient English law I think. If you like, consider reading the Daily news sri lanka which is full of Moral Stories about people who Ran Afoul Of The Law and were Vigorously Punished…

Q. Whats the Hindi/Sri Lankan  word for Underage?/I want a School Girl
A. Naturally, you are asking this for your research project, not because you are a dirty old man. I don’t know about Hindi, but I think running after underage girls in Sri Lanka is refered to bala aparada. (Bala = Young? Underage? Aparada = crime?)

Think “Jail Bait” in the American sense

Does your mummy know what you search for online? Google has recently been contacted by the US government, and requested turn over search logs for terms such as underage and so on. So, If I were you, I’d wash my keyboard and never search for such shocking things again.

Q. Tell me about Japanese car theft in Sri Lanka
A. Well, as far as I know, the Japanese don’t steal our cars. They have no reason to, as they have better things to do here, like being tourists. That and the average Japanese person earns in a day what most Sri Lankans earn in an year.

On a side note, Hondas and Toyotas are popular targets for auto theft in USA.

Q. Paranormal Strange RSS Comments.
A. Er. ?..

Q. Tittilate Me!
A. Er. ??

Q. Tell me about Sri Lankan Kandyan Sari
A. Well, I asked a girl I know about this. She said there are two ways to wear a Sari. Either the Indian style, or Kandyan way. According to her there are some small differences, to do with the ‘pota’ (the bit that is draped). I will tell you more as I get more information.

Q. I want Sri Lankan Pussy
A. Er.. OK if you say so. You can find cats all over the streets of Sri Lanka. But beware. Some of them have Rabies

Good news for all my Sri Lankan friends in North America. Are you feeling lonely? Do you wish you had your very own Sri Lankan Woman? Well thanks to a special offer from Yahoo and Target, you can buy your very own Sri lanka Woman, online! Best of all, you can save!

So, rush off to Target, and get clicking.

Background
A search for Sri Lankan Women on Yahoo (don’t ask) yeids this:

Closeup of ad

The actual search:
http://search.yahoo.com/search?p=sri+lankan+women&fr=FP-tab-web-t&toggle=1&cop=&ei=UTF-8

Note, this search probably may not yeild above results, depending on where you are, hopefully Yahoo will notice and fix this error!

Explanation: Context sensitive search gone wrong.
I guess we can summarize that Yahoo hasn’t perfected their context sensitive search. But look on the bright side, at least they have context insensitive search

Trivia
1. For those of you who don’t live in North America, Target is a friendly shopping chain famous for their dog, and their innovative advertising. Sadly, wiki doesn’t appear to have a page on them.

2. The Target Dog is a supposedly an English bull terrier
http://askdoglady.com/archives/bones_social_creatures/000096.html

Notes:
Yahoo, Target, The Target Dog, and all colors, logos, ideas, theories, etc are copyright their respective companies. Blah Blah.

With thanks to sarvodaya.org and Flickr

Again, on Nehas suggestions, here are some observations on Sri Lankan men:

[Ed: - This article is intended purely as humor, so, please don’t read it if you get offended easily - also (Obviously) these classifications are stereotypical and don’t necessarily refer to real people. Or do they? ;)] 

1. The Intellectual
He is familiar with the works of Schopenhauer and Goethe. Can quote them accurately. Can even pronounce their names.

Works in:
Usually in a complex area requiring intellect.

Relationships with girls:
Complex - very complex. Attempts to engage ladies in conversation/debate on his views on science/culture/society and other areas.

Tends to annoy normal girls at the local nightspot by talking about the socio-economic ramifications of The HIV/AIDS pandemic.

Sees himself as:
A complex manifestation of philosophical and socio-economic phenomena.

Whats he watching On TV:
Eccelectic choice of programming: Comedy, educational, intellectual movies.

Sense of humor
Not particularly into slapstick humor. Likes humor to be intelligent, without putting anyone down. Likes to laugh with people as opposed to laughing AT them

Sees girls as:
Equals. No, really he does!

Favorite Hangouts:
Occationally goes to various events, like special screenings of “Schindlers List”, also attends plays and other cultural events. Feels out of place at most parties

Outfit:
Smart casual where possible. Moderate dress sense.

Likes
Long winded conversations on various arcane esoteric topics.

Hobbies
Debating obscure philosophical topics. Catching up on the latest tech news.

Will sleep with:
Girls, but usually alone as some girls end up annoyed at him.

Admires these qualities in women:
Conversational skills, Poise, Intellect, (and secretly, perky breasts, though, he will never admit that!).

Accessories:
Carries the latest in phones, etc, usually researches carefully online before purchasing.

Matrix View:
Admired the special effects on the Matrix but really liked that movie for the philosophy behind it. Can quote the Architects speech verbatim

2. The Misogynist
Note: a lot of Sri Lankan men sadly share this trait but some take it to a whole new level, ergo they are categorized a class apart

About him:
Hates women deeply, but “tolerates them because he can’t do without them”. Considers them subservient, intellectually inferior, as beasts of burden/a subclass of society. Believes his wants, needs and feelings are superior to theirs. Quotes other people a lot to support his beliefs. Usually mis-quotes.

Relationships with girls:
Spends a lot of time trying to prove girls are intellectually inferior. Gets into complex long winded arguments with them, trying to prove his point, but never argues with women who are smarter than him as he will loose the arguement.

Obsessions:
Deeply obsessed with his masculinity, very homophobic, sees everything in the universe, as existing in relation to himself. Takes everything personally. Even El Nino.

Likes:
Himself

Will sleep with:
Any girl he can find. Preferrably one with low self esteem.

Hobbies:
- Getting drunk
- Driving like a drunk, preferrably DUI

Drives:
A sports car

Ideal Girl:
Girls who can be coerced/persuaded easily. Someone who is young, emotionally immature and can be manipulated, someone with low self esteem.

Admires this in a woman:
NOTHING! Hates all women! (but secretly stares at their chests without blinking)

Accessories/buying patterns:
Will buy whatever he can, at the expense of eating even. Tends to focus on functionality more than style. Is very loyal to some brands.

Phone:
The most phone he can afford. Knows what a PDA is but is secretly terrified of them.

Dislikes:
Hates girls deeply.

Famous quote:
“Women are dumb . I hate them. I hate them ya know? And I’ll tell you why - heck I can prove it ”

3. The Nationalist

About Him
- Is deeply proud of his imagined heritage. Sees himself as a pure (Hindu, Sinhalese/Tamil, or something) descended of Aryans (or something).

- Talks a LOT about computers and cars, but sadly knows little to nothing. Gets most of his knowledge off the back of a box of cornflakes (which of course he doesn’t officially eat as they are Cheap Western Junk Food)

Relationships with girls:
Consists of chasing underage girls and trying to convince them that he is special, because he has a PDA.

Linguistical Analysis:
Speaks in his language unless he wants to show off in public, in which case he will speak simple English while trying to occationally introduce big words. Mixes english and his language. Invents English words occationally.

Habits:
Roundly curses western influence on Our Precious Pure culture. Secretly gets aroused by the Pamela Anderson/Tommy lee video.

Hobbies
- Getting drunk
- Driving like a drunk, preferrably DUI
- Giving long winded lectures on his nationalistic ideologies to anyone within earshot
- Complaining about the negative influence of American culture, while secretly watching Baywatch.

Seeks this type of women:
Intellectually underdevelopped (and underage) girls who can hopefully be persuaded to believe his nonsense.

Sees girls as:
Honorable maidens representing my Culture, (Translation: beasts of burden, here to be used and abused by me.)

is familiar with:
The mahawamsa, or any other nationalistic literature, has memorised it and quotes it regularly. Actually interprets it literally.

Favorite Hangouts:
Locally themed parties, anywhere theres food.

Will sleep with:
Underage girls/Virgins, anyone who wont laugh at his obvious shortcomings.

Likes:
Officially Likes large mammary glands and girls who wear Kandyan sari.
Unofficially digs Pam in Baywatch era.

Dislikes:
Anything complex or intellectual that he doesnt understand.

Outfit:
Wears weird mix of local and western clothing depending on the circumstance. Shops at upscale locations where possible, makes effort to acquire designer outfits merely so as to show off his wealth.

Drives:
Mazda or a Nissan

Admires this in a woman:
Do they wear their national costume? Are they traditional enough for me? Can I slap them regularly at least once a day? Its our way of doing things here which you stupid Westerners don’t understand. Beating the Woman is an Expression of Love and Unless you Beat her Regularly she won’t be happy. She wants it

Accessories:
Uses a modern phone and a PDA he sadly doesn’t know how to use.

Classic signs:
Wears a sarong in public. Talks rather loud. Is intellectually defunct.

Matrix view
Matrix? WTF? oh that dumb movie with the idiot and the bullets? Bullshit. All bullshit. I Hate Women. [Expletive]

Famous Quote:
“I hate the way our precious culture is being eroded by Western Influence. Yesterday I caught my son watching Baywatch and I vigorously caned him with a rubber hosepipe for 2 hours. Baywatch is a Filthy American influence. I hate it. He should be watching local television where we treat the women right way by slapping them around”

“What? You don’t like my National Costume?” You [cencored]”

“Im Proud Of My Ancestry and My Noble Ancestors Who Had  A Great Civilization.. blah blah ”

4. The Playa Wannabe

Sees himself as:
“Gangsta Rapper d00d”

ON TV:
Watches MTV, any program with girls, cars or guns
Seeks this type of woman: Pamela Anderson (in her Tommy Lee days, not in her PETA era), any girl on Playboy.

Is familiar with:
The works of Snoop Dog

Relationships with girls:
Consists of whistling and hurling abuse at random female passerbys. (Ed: Indians refer to this as Eve Teasing - well at least Preity Zinta did. Over here in Sri Lanka I’m not sure what its refered to as but I’m sure it constitutes harrasment).

Outfit:
Tommy Hilfiger rejects

Hobbies:
Crusing Da Town With Ma Boyz

Traits:
Wears sunglasses long after the sun has set.
Capitalizes First Letter Of Every Word. Uses SMS lingo. Scratches himself and adjusts his testicles in public.

Sleeps with:
Himself, as no girl would be dumb enough to sleep with him

Drives:
BMX lookalike bike assembled in China.

Admires this in a woman:
Tits and A$$ Yeah Baby I like Them Bitchaz Who Is So Fine And Hot And Cheers To Ma Homiez And All Tha Fellows In Da Dogpound And All Tha Hot ChikAz

Accessories:
Uses a cheap candybar nokia as he can’t yet afford a better phone. Regularly pretends to make complex calls to his homies while dialing balance inquiry or weather from mobile handset. Has some bling (Chains and/or rings). Thinks PDA is an STD.

Favorite Hangouts:
Majestic City (a shopping mall in Sri Lanka), lounging around with a vacant gaze, with his buddies, occationally whistling at girls.

Whats he watching On TV:
Anything with girls, guns, or cars.

Sense of humor
Schadenfreude (though he has never heard that word), and slapstick humor (think: three stooges)

Matrix view
D00d Da Specal Effekts Wr Rokin, Ya Dude Rokin That Neo Man He So Cool Ya [lapses off into a language only he and Snoop Dog truly understand]

Famous Quote:
“Man My Stereo Makez 400 Wattz At Da Amplifyer It Rox Yeah Dude Have U Seen Da Latezt Need For Speed It Rocks Shouts Out To All the Homies Who Keepin It Real In Da Hood, and all Ma Peeps…”

5. The Accountant
(Not an insult to Accountants. There are a lot of hip cool Accountants out there - it’s just that this category TENDS to be populated by rather boring people who share these common traits)

About Him
- Is very uncool. Takes boring to a whole new level. Wouldn’t know style if he tripped over it
- Wears color co-ordinated underwear
- Blinks a lot if exposed to strong sunlight.

Sense of humor
Does not possess a sense of humor but masks this by laughing at jokes even though he does not get them.

Watches on TV:
Does not normally watch TV except for Business Related Programs, and the 8 O Clock News

Outfit:
Usual nondescript office wear - even has a boring tie.

Hobbies:
Watches some TV on sunday between 2PM till 2:45 PM. After Which He Takes a Quick Afternoon Nap Then Tea.

Obsessions:
Is obsessed with money. Is very rich but rarely ever spends. Very stingy.

Traits:
Sees everything in terms of money. Is very methodical in everything. 

Sleeps with:
Another accountant, if he can find one, usually alone.

Drives:
A maruti. Or other small size econobox. If he buys it brand new he does not remove the polythene covering the seats. Similar to his TV remote which is Still Wrapped In Polythene. 

Accessories:
Uses a cheap candybar style phone but occationally may upgrade to an organizer/pda combination phone, merely to inform others that he’s ‘cool’. Uses Excel on the PDA to help keep track of his expenses. Enters each dilligently and then takes it home and syncs it with his PC.

Favorite Hangout:
Office. Occationally an office party (where he does not dance, but instead chats with other office ladies about the performance of the company over the fourth quarter of the fiscal year 2005).

Matrix view:
Yes, the social accounting matrix for 2005 was…. on the whole, very positive..

Famous quote:
None. Doesn’t waste time saying quotes.

Trivia
A sri lankan man won a Guinness world record for watching TV nonstop for 69 hours (?) See here

[Ed: hey, do you know any category of man I’ve missed? List it here as a comment and I’ll try to include it! Thanks]