Thu 12 Jan 2006
With thanks to sarvodaya.org and Flickr
Again, on Nehas suggestions, here are some observations on Sri Lankan men:
[Ed: - This article is intended purely as humor, so, please don’t read it if you get offended easily - also (Obviously) these classifications are stereotypical and don’t necessarily refer to real people. Or do they? ;)]
1. The Intellectual
He is familiar with the works of Schopenhauer and Goethe. Can quote them accurately. Can even pronounce their names.
Works in:
Usually in a complex area requiring intellect.
Relationships with girls:
Complex - very complex. Attempts to engage ladies in conversation/debate on his views on science/culture/society and other areas.
Tends to annoy normal girls at the local nightspot by talking about the socio-economic ramifications of The HIV/AIDS pandemic.
Sees himself as:
A complex manifestation of philosophical and socio-economic phenomena.
Whats he watching On TV:
Eccelectic choice of programming: Comedy, educational, intellectual movies.
Sense of humor
Not particularly into slapstick humor. Likes humor to be intelligent, without putting anyone down. Likes to laugh with people as opposed to laughing AT them
Sees girls as:
Equals. No, really he does!
Favorite Hangouts:
Occationally goes to various events, like special screenings of “Schindlers List”, also attends plays and other cultural events. Feels out of place at most parties
Outfit:
Smart casual where possible. Moderate dress sense.
Likes
Long winded conversations on various arcane esoteric topics.
Hobbies
Debating obscure philosophical topics. Catching up on the latest tech news.
Will sleep with:
Girls, but usually alone as some girls end up annoyed at him.
Admires these qualities in women:
Conversational skills, Poise, Intellect, (and secretly, perky breasts, though, he will never admit that!).
Accessories:
Carries the latest in phones, etc, usually researches carefully online before purchasing.
Matrix View:
Admired the special effects on the Matrix but really liked that movie for the philosophy behind it. Can quote the Architects speech verbatim
2. The Misogynist
Note: a lot of Sri Lankan men sadly share this trait but some take it to a whole new level, ergo they are categorized a class apart
About him:
Hates women deeply, but “tolerates them because he can’t do without them”. Considers them subservient, intellectually inferior, as beasts of burden/a subclass of society. Believes his wants, needs and feelings are superior to theirs. Quotes other people a lot to support his beliefs. Usually mis-quotes.
Relationships with girls:
Spends a lot of time trying to prove girls are intellectually inferior. Gets into complex long winded arguments with them, trying to prove his point, but never argues with women who are smarter than him as he will loose the arguement.
Obsessions:
Deeply obsessed with his masculinity, very homophobic, sees everything in the universe, as existing in relation to himself. Takes everything personally. Even El Nino.
Likes:
Himself
Will sleep with:
Any girl he can find. Preferrably one with low self esteem.
Hobbies:
- Getting drunk
- Driving like a drunk, preferrably DUI
Drives:
A sports car
Ideal Girl:
Girls who can be coerced/persuaded easily. Someone who is young, emotionally immature and can be manipulated, someone with low self esteem.
Admires this in a woman:
NOTHING! Hates all women! (but secretly stares at their chests without blinking)
Accessories/buying patterns:
Will buy whatever he can, at the expense of eating even. Tends to focus on functionality more than style. Is very loyal to some brands.
Phone:
The most phone he can afford. Knows what a PDA is but is secretly terrified of them.
Dislikes:
Hates girls deeply.
Famous quote:
“Women are dumb . I hate them. I hate them ya know? And I’ll tell you why - heck I can prove it ”
3. The Nationalist
About Him
- Is deeply proud of his imagined heritage. Sees himself as a pure (Hindu, Sinhalese/Tamil, or something) descended of Aryans (or something).
- Talks a LOT about computers and cars, but sadly knows little to nothing. Gets most of his knowledge off the back of a box of cornflakes (which of course he doesn’t officially eat as they are Cheap Western Junk Food)
Relationships with girls:
Consists of chasing underage girls and trying to convince them that he is special, because he has a PDA.
Linguistical Analysis:
Speaks in his language unless he wants to show off in public, in which case he will speak simple English while trying to occationally introduce big words. Mixes english and his language. Invents English words occationally.
Habits:
Roundly curses western influence on Our Precious Pure culture. Secretly gets aroused by the Pamela Anderson/Tommy lee video.
Hobbies
- Getting drunk
- Driving like a drunk, preferrably DUI
- Giving long winded lectures on his nationalistic ideologies to anyone within earshot
- Complaining about the negative influence of American culture, while secretly watching Baywatch.
Seeks this type of women:
Intellectually underdevelopped (and underage) girls who can hopefully be persuaded to believe his nonsense.
Sees girls as:
Honorable maidens representing my Culture, (Translation: beasts of burden, here to be used and abused by me.)
is familiar with:
The mahawamsa, or any other nationalistic literature, has memorised it and quotes it regularly. Actually interprets it literally.
Favorite Hangouts:
Locally themed parties, anywhere theres food.
Will sleep with:
Underage girls/Virgins, anyone who wont laugh at his obvious shortcomings.
Likes:
Officially Likes large mammary glands and girls who wear Kandyan sari.
Unofficially digs Pam in Baywatch era.
Dislikes:
Anything complex or intellectual that he doesnt understand.
Outfit:
Wears weird mix of local and western clothing depending on the circumstance. Shops at upscale locations where possible, makes effort to acquire designer outfits merely so as to show off his wealth.
Drives:
Mazda or a Nissan
Admires this in a woman:
Do they wear their national costume? Are they traditional enough for me? Can I slap them regularly at least once a day? Its our way of doing things here which you stupid Westerners don’t understand. Beating the Woman is an Expression of Love and Unless you Beat her Regularly she won’t be happy. She wants it
Accessories:
Uses a modern phone and a PDA he sadly doesn’t know how to use.
Classic signs:
Wears a sarong in public. Talks rather loud. Is intellectually defunct.
Matrix view
Matrix? WTF? oh that dumb movie with the idiot and the bullets? Bullshit. All bullshit. I Hate Women. [Expletive]
Famous Quote:
“I hate the way our precious culture is being eroded by Western Influence. Yesterday I caught my son watching Baywatch and I vigorously caned him with a rubber hosepipe for 2 hours. Baywatch is a Filthy American influence. I hate it. He should be watching local television where we treat the women right way by slapping them around”
“What? You don’t like my National Costume?” You [cencored]”
“Im Proud Of My Ancestry and My Noble Ancestors Who Had A Great Civilization.. blah blah ”
4. The Playa Wannabe
Sees himself as:
“Gangsta Rapper d00d”
ON TV:
Watches MTV, any program with girls, cars or guns
Seeks this type of woman: Pamela Anderson (in her Tommy Lee days, not in her PETA era), any girl on Playboy.
Is familiar with:
The works of Snoop Dog
Relationships with girls:
Consists of whistling and hurling abuse at random female passerbys. (Ed: Indians refer to this as Eve Teasing - well at least Preity Zinta did. Over here in Sri Lanka I’m not sure what its refered to as but I’m sure it constitutes harrasment).
Outfit:
Tommy Hilfiger rejects
Hobbies:
Crusing Da Town With Ma Boyz
Traits:
Wears sunglasses long after the sun has set.
Capitalizes First Letter Of Every Word. Uses SMS lingo. Scratches himself and adjusts his testicles in public.
Sleeps with:
Himself, as no girl would be dumb enough to sleep with him
Drives:
BMX lookalike bike assembled in China.
Admires this in a woman:
Tits and A$$ Yeah Baby I like Them Bitchaz Who Is So Fine And Hot And Cheers To Ma Homiez And All Tha Fellows In Da Dogpound And All Tha Hot ChikAz
Accessories:
Uses a cheap candybar nokia as he can’t yet afford a better phone. Regularly pretends to make complex calls to his homies while dialing balance inquiry or weather from mobile handset. Has some bling (Chains and/or rings). Thinks PDA is an STD.
Favorite Hangouts:
Majestic City (a shopping mall in Sri Lanka), lounging around with a vacant gaze, with his buddies, occationally whistling at girls.
Whats he watching On TV:
Anything with girls, guns, or cars.
Sense of humor
Schadenfreude (though he has never heard that word), and slapstick humor (think: three stooges)
Matrix view
D00d Da Specal Effekts Wr Rokin, Ya Dude Rokin That Neo Man He So Cool Ya [lapses off into a language only he and Snoop Dog truly understand]
Famous Quote:
“Man My Stereo Makez 400 Wattz At Da Amplifyer It Rox Yeah Dude Have U Seen Da Latezt Need For Speed It Rocks Shouts Out To All the Homies Who Keepin It Real In Da Hood, and all Ma Peeps…”
5. The Accountant
(Not an insult to Accountants. There are a lot of hip cool Accountants out there - it’s just that this category TENDS to be populated by rather boring people who share these common traits)
About Him
- Is very uncool. Takes boring to a whole new level. Wouldn’t know style if he tripped over it
- Wears color co-ordinated underwear
- Blinks a lot if exposed to strong sunlight.
Sense of humor
Does not possess a sense of humor but masks this by laughing at jokes even though he does not get them.
Watches on TV:
Does not normally watch TV except for Business Related Programs, and the 8 O Clock News
Outfit:
Usual nondescript office wear - even has a boring tie.
Hobbies:
Watches some TV on sunday between 2PM till 2:45 PM. After Which He Takes a Quick Afternoon Nap Then Tea.
Obsessions:
Is obsessed with money. Is very rich but rarely ever spends. Very stingy.
Traits:
Sees everything in terms of money. Is very methodical in everything.
Sleeps with:
Another accountant, if he can find one, usually alone.
Drives:
A maruti. Or other small size econobox. If he buys it brand new he does not remove the polythene covering the seats. Similar to his TV remote which is Still Wrapped In Polythene.
Accessories:
Uses a cheap candybar style phone but occationally may upgrade to an organizer/pda combination phone, merely to inform others that he’s ‘cool’. Uses Excel on the PDA to help keep track of his expenses. Enters each dilligently and then takes it home and syncs it with his PC.
Favorite Hangout:
Office. Occationally an office party (where he does not dance, but instead chats with other office ladies about the performance of the company over the fourth quarter of the fiscal year 2005).
Matrix view:
Yes, the social accounting matrix for 2005 was…. on the whole, very positive..
Famous quote:
None. Doesn’t waste time saying quotes.
Trivia
A sri lankan man won a Guinness world record for watching TV nonstop for 69 hours (?) See here
[Ed: hey, do you know any category of man I’ve missed? List it here as a comment and I’ll try to include it! Thanks]