web slave
Flickr photo, by Bob Duck
[Disclaimer: the following is a rant: it wasn’t thought through or spellchecked.]

People like to call us web designers or even web masters: This would somehow imply that we are on top of the process/situation. Aside from the BSDM connotations, the term web master is simply inaccurate. 

So I am a corporate web slave. I help people achieve their online dreams, at the expense of peace of mind and some human dignity, which is lost in the day to day process of web design.

Thankfully, some things (like wordpress) make the process more bearable. Sadly, none of my clients ever ask for simple static web sites. They take one look at wordpress, go “Bleah”, and say “OK now give me the dancing hamsters..”

Anyway, here are some random things I always wish I could tell my clients web masters (the people who pay me, those who make the decisions, call the shots, and are responsible for the sucky web sites I unwillingly help create)

Rant: To those who hire me
Or: an open letter to my clients, especially Sri Lankans
(Things I’d love to tell you but don’t, because you won’t listen/believe me)

  1. Flash: is a nono. True, it looks cool, but not everyone has the plugins. Having your company logo dancing around may look cool to you because you are a clueless n00b, but most people find that annoying. (exception. a little tasteful flash in a separate section may be tolerable)
  2. I can’t guarantee to make your site number one on Google. I don’t think anyone can. True I can help you streamline your website, and improve its visibility to search engines (thereby improving its rankings) but, number one.. that might be pushing it. Its unethical for you to ask me that, and its unethical for me to promise that. And please don’t ask me to do unethical things to promote your site. If google blacklists (PR0’s) you, you are doomed. Remember. Google is God. (all hail Google)
  3. Reciprocal linking, isn’t all its cut out to be. A few appropriate links, if voluntary, from other similar good sites are OK, but don’t expect miracles. Say, client, do you even know what this term means? I’m not being rude, I’m just saying, don’t talk about it to me, or ask me to do it unless you have at least a clue. If you ask me nicely I’d be happy to tell you. Or ask Google!
  4. People visit your website to find information, directions, pricing, and hopefully contact you. They don’t want a lame glorified advertiesment. Or flash doodles. Or javascript clocks. They may thrill your six year old daughter. (Which is OK if she is your target market, I guess).
  5. You pay me to make you a website: All the other things I do to help you succeed in your web venture are out of the goodness of my heart. When you tell me to do patently stupid and counter-intuitive things, I will automatically stop advising you. Or bite my tongue every time I get a bright idea. Summary: Give me the money and let me do my job. You stick to your job of being CEO or whatever, and I’ll stick to mine..
  6. I actually have a clue (sometimes): your marketing whizz may tell you that a black, white, and neon site is all the rage, and your design guru may be all aflutter about a java widget, but this will piss off most normal people. And you want most normal people to like your site, unless you cater to a highly specialized niche market. Or idiots.
  7. If you have a grand vision, thats ok.. but try to be practical please. Me devoting 50% of my time to making your dancing logo wont help your business in the long run. If I were you i’d concentrate on the message I’m trying to get out, as well as promotion.
  8. Don’t force me to do stupid things/make sites that suck: If you insist on a feature that is clearly stupid, I will politely advice you against that course of action. I’m exceeding tactful and my sentence will usually go “Some might consider this feature..” If I say that, just go with the flow, and humor me. It’s good for you. Of course if you insist, I have no choice.. When people see crappy web sites in Sri Lanka they tend to blame the designer. Sometimes the real fault lies in the client..
  9. You don’t need a web site: you need an web presence solution: Clients don’t get this. They think that a simple web site solves everything. What I wish they would understand is - a web site is merely part of the whole solution - and that’s what they should really be aiming for.
  10. (Please) try not to waste my time: I may not drive a late model Japanese SUV or play golf like you do, but believe it or not, I have a life, and my time is precious to me also. When you are first going to meet me, prep your staff up, gather all the material you need, and then arrange a meeting. If you have something to send me afterwards, just email it to me. If you want to send me material, try a courier service. Lastly, do you really need to meet me? Must I face the roads just to meet you? Does it matter how I look? Can’t you just accept I that exist, arrange a video conference, and mail a check Cheque?

Why I don’t make a lot of money in web design

  1. I’m not good at BS. When a client looks at me with a worried expression and asks me about whether his web adaviya can have a Picture of His Office, I usually say sure, no probs (as opposed to most local web designers who say “Yes of course it will cost you $500 as we have to carefully scan your picture using a HP Elbonian scanner with a giga pentabyte micromodule installed, which we must personally import from sweeden)
  2. I don’t charge $500 for a simple wordpress site: Even if you are crazily rich, I’d rather you did something worthwhile with your money, like paying your employees. Like the security guard. When is the last time you gave him a raise? 1983?
  3. I throw in most features/things/widgets for free: I usually charge a flat fee for the web site, after initial design. And I don’t increase this for rich clients, though I usually reduce this for poorer clients/startups.
  4. Banana Problem/featuritis: Client starts out with a simple concept. Then halfway through the design, s/he changes something. Then he spots something on TV, and wants that. Next his/her drinking buddy tells him that some feature is all the rage. Now s/he wants that also. Sigh.
  5. I charge clients pathetic low honest amounts:
    I don’t really like to charge silly amounts. True most of my clients have competing quotes which merely have three to four more zeros than mine, but hey..
  6. I don’t usually charge by the hour: That simply doesnt work - also it makes work rushed. I’d rather charge by the job. Usually this means I end up spending a lot more time than I should.. but what the hell. I sleep better knowing I did a good job. That matters to me, believe it or not.
  7. I don’t take advantage of my clients: So they take advantage of me.
  8. I’m basically decent: I can’t keep a straight face and demand a ton of money for a simple job, even if the client thinks its a huge job.
  9. People just don’t get the whole web thing in Sri Lanka.

And since I’m on the topic of ranting..

Rant: Local web designers
Rant: They all suck. At least the ones I’ve met. I remember these two guys.. One guy kept muttering “That command is depreciated” The other had an unnatural interest in self produced gas.. Not the kind of people I’d entrust my web presence to.

…And I hate the way they like to screw the customer.. True, most of the times, the customer is either stupid, or rich, or both… but nevertheless…

Sigh. something tells me that this is not the job for me.

Oh, and if you want me to recommend a good local web designer, I’m sorry, I’m yet to meet one.  

However, when it comes to bearable, vesess.com probably qualifies  - except for the freaky group culture thing (Vesessins? wth?!)

Oh, and I hear Indi does web sites too.

Lastly, if you are feeling somewhat lucky, I’m usually available..

[Edit: Vesess.com - have done some cool web sites. I particularly admire the fact that their web sites are all standard compliant. end edit]

Glossary (For those too lazy to Google for answers):

  1. PR0 - Page rank zero - when your website is removed from Google (those familiar with secular faiths can look up the concept of death or eternal damnation here).
  2. SEO - Search engine optimization - officially, the process of making a site nicer for search engines, unofficially using any trick you can to make a site more famous, (see keyword stuffing and doorway pages ;)
  3. Client - the person calling the shots, the real web master (See: Idiot, PITA, n00b, helpless clueless nokia wielding sacrificial cow)
  4. Widgets: Annoying features client requests which do nothing useful
  5. Flash: Interactive thingamajig software. Great for erotica and occational car sites..
  6. Web Adaviya: Sinhalese term for web site.